In Case of Emergency....
Mistaken for a Rescuer?
Have you ever been mistaken for an emergency responder, rescue worker, or tFEMA (The Family Emergency Management Advocate) ? I have played that role. It is exhausting, can be never-ending, often thankless, and it doesn’t pay well either.
It can happen to anyone. A friend, family member, co-worker, or neighbor propels you into the role of their life-saver. Retirees are particularly vulnerable. Many don’t plan for the transition from working to having their days free. Before the unprepared retiree knows it, they evolve into the Swiss-Army knife of helpers. They are caregiving, transporting, assisting with bill-paying, and, of course, babysitting.
For some people, this is the plan: after retiring they aim to be as indispensable to everyone around them as they were in their professional life. Instead of letting friends or adult children handle their own problems, they swoop in with solutions and unsolicited advice. Others, however, sleepwalk into a life of answering 3 a.m. calls from people hundreds of miles away—calls that bring news they can't act on and ruin any chance of a restorative night's sleep. Mea culpa moment, I did this while working.
There is another side to providing personal emergency services, which I find fascinating. There are people who only reach out when they need a favor. We can go weeks, maybe even months, and then the phone rings. In my case it was the same “friend” wanting me to review her resume. I would hear from her every 2-3 years. After saying “no” a couple of times, I haven’t heard from her in over ten years. For others, it could be a financial request. We hear from them when they are broke and need a loan. No birthday texts or ‘catch-up chats,’ it is all business and we are the “banker” in their Monopoly game.
“Fool Me Once, Shame on You; Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me” first used in 1650 by, Anthony Weldon, 17th Century Politician and Courtier
Handling Hurt Feelings
Ending an unintentional role of emergency responder, personal banker, or other sustainer of adults has consequences. When the money stops, the favors end, and services are discontinued; we all are going to handle how we’re treated differently. After discussing this topic with friends, a few strategies emerged for handling adults reacting poorly to having their family emergency response network end:
Let Them (a book by Mel Robbins). There’s a reason this is the #1 nonfiction book of 2025 with 6.5 million copies sold as of early August 2025. The premise of this book is “stop trying to control other people’s opinions, moods, and actions.” Robbins encourages her readers to focus the one thing we can control, our reaction.
I was speaking with an Indianapolis-based coach about what should a parent do when adult children repeatedly mention after the fact, “We were just in your neighborhood for dinner tonight. That restaurant is terrific...” The coach’s advice, be honest. Say something similar to, “You don’t have to let me know you were in the neighborhood for dinner (or whatever) when I’m not invited or you’re not stopping by to visit. It hurts my feelings.” Now the ball is in their court. They can stop sharing their activities in your neighborhood, invite their parent, or if the adult children continue—the parent knows their behavior is purposeful.
When babysitting is the only call grandparents receive from their adult children and they are starting to feel used. The three resources I talked with had the same response—how the grandparents communicate is as important as what they say. Ensure the adult children understand how much they and their family are loved. Then have clear communication about how they feel when they are only called for babysitting. Establishing boundaries about having advanced notice and keeping the lines of communication open are essential.
What happens when adult children or older grandchildren look at seniors as an ATM machine? There are too many co-signers for apartments and car loans with stories of regret despite how well it started. There is the “just say no” approach which is appropriate in many cases. There are situations where the senior is given the ultimatum, “unless you’re going to help me, there’s no reason for us to talk.” I know adults who continued to give and others who stopped and the relationship ended.
Photo by PiggyBank Canadian currency because it happens everywhere. There are resources to navigate these situations through community organizations, AARP.org has resources, and More Than Grand, https://www.morethangrand.com, has a terrific blog, books, resources, and more.
